Presence

Today was an interesting mix of a day. My first EMDR session, a reading for a local family, a walk at a local marina, dinner at a favorite restaurant (while visiting with friends who worked there, and setting up a gallery reading there for mid-May), and a couple of enlightening phone conversations.

The EMDR session was more of a consultation and figuring out what the best course/duration of treatment would be. Between the practitioner and my therapist, we came up with a beginning estimate of three sessions (after this one), with more to possibly be scheduled thereafter. A lot of the old stuff was brought up (so that the practitioner knew what we would be dealing with), and although he taught me one technique to do to help myself when the emotions came up, I must admit I was left wanting more. However . . . I understood later why he is moving so slowly in this process. I felt like my brain got a workout, with lots of head pressure afterwards (it could have been in part due to the intensity of the reading I did this afternoon, too, but I don’t think that’s it). I was definitely feeling the intensity of the emotions and a lot of thoughts swirling my mind at moments – and yet, at the same time, the beginning signs of peace, a quietness in my mind that I haven’t felt . . . well, maybe ever!

After the session and the reading, I went and took a walk by the water. I really needed to be by the beach, but since there isn’t any beach locally, the marina was the next closest thing. I then sat in my car for a few minutes before I left, looking out over the water, and called my therapist to discuss and recap the session this morning since we didn’t get to connect afterwards. We both felt it went positively, and he reminded me of some areas in which I was showing progress, even though the inner critic would say otherwise. This lightness of mood gave me the inspiration to go to the restaurant, discuss having another gallery reading event (I had one there in December which was a great success), and enjoy a delightful dinner there.

So, what I can say after today is: I was, for the most part, present. I may not have liked every feeling I experienced, I may be tired after all of the intensive ups and downs . . . but I was definitely present for all of it. And I suppose that is the beginning of true healing and a sign of progress in and of itself. 🙂