Addicted to “Busy”

I have recently re-discovered the amazing Dr. Iyanla Vanzant, thanks to the wonders of the Oprah Winfrey Network. Iyanla has a way of getting to the heart of an issue in a very direct, yet at the same time humorous and loving, way. So when I saw this on her Facebook page tonight, I was struck at my core:

Many of us are so focused on the outcome that we miss the joy of the task. If you have so much to do that you have nothing to look forward to but more doing, you had better slow down, because there is something you are missing. When you move too fast, doing too much, you miss the moment by moment, day by day joy associated with being alive. The goodness of life is right where you are, but you have to slow down in order to recognize it.

I realized after my surgery and rehab over two and a half years ago just how addicted I was to “doing,” to being “busy.” I couldn’t stand the idea of sitting, resting, just “being.” I had to constantly be doing something, and felt stir crazy when I couldn’t. I thought I had worked through and healed this behavior and habit after that time, but it has recently come to my awareness that I am still very addicted to doing, and to busy-ness. Even on a “day off,” I am still working – blogging, doing virtual assistant work for one or another of my jobs, and so on. I never seem to give myself permission to simply play, rest, or just “be”!!!

In coming to this awareness, I realized tonight: Wow, I’m 35, and I have probably spent the majority of my time since I was a teenager – 20+ years ago! – wondering if I was doing enough, beating myself up for not doing enough, criticizing myself and saying I could or should be doing more. I will be honest – I am not sure yet how to change this, other than therapy and continued awareness. I don’t know who I am without being busy and “doing” . . . and yet, at the same time, I am feeling very tired of “working so hard.” So, we shall see where this leads – all I know is, as I heal this, I heal a tremendous part of my story and open myself up to being a clearer channel for Spirit.